I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
