dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
do herpes really smell.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Randomize
