curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
