i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
