I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
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