I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
