he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
