Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
