Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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