I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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