I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
