The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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