a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
