you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
