sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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