you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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