my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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