i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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