he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
