I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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