My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
