While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
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