Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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