Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
