there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize