I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
