I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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