I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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