Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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