he wants to bone in the snuggie
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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