someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
