But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize