She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Randomize
