Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
