Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Randomize
