i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
