Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
