I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Randomize
