break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Randomize