I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
