I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
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