oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
