Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Say something about gay babies.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
