I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Well I just put wine in my tea
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
