i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
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