youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
