I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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