Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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