I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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