Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
