Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
