This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
