my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
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