when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
