the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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