my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
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