Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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