you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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