My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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