Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
