Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
